Men discover where baby oil comes from

In Taman Budaya Yogyakarta, Yogyakarta, a man was paving the street and found an enormous stone baby head filled with oil. “I have no idea how we didn’t notice this already, it's huge” Said the witness. The local oil excavation team started digging and found that it was baby oil instead of petroleum. The entire country was amazed at how terrible this article is. I mean, we only made this up to get more people to subscribe to us.

Anyway, the country was amazed at the fact that baby oil comes from stone baby heads. It was a major scientific discovery. Of course, with the fact that people are born every minute, the entire supply was used in 1 hour.  Most of the oil was dumped into the ocean.

In related news, (Somehow, I’m sure it’s related.) the number of surface dwelling fish has increased drastically. In 1 month, right after BP spilled an enormous amount of oil, there is a 100% increase in the population of surface dwelling fish in the Gulf of Mexico. They’re all dead. All of them.

I thought I was going to die.

One day, while I was in my parlor with my pet cat, Elizabeth, I was reading one of my favorite books, Oliver Twist, by Charles Dickens, I heard a sound like a giant cat purring outside. When I looked outside to investigate, I saw a flying vehicle above my head! I saw it land in the field by my yard, and two men got off of the aircraft. Wait a second... an aircraft? That's impossible! Those men had made an aircraft! I recognized the men as my neighbors, Wilbur and Orville Wright. They were wearing black leather suits and had goggles strapped to their foreheads. I could tell them apart by Orville’s moustache. I ran up to meet them, and they asked what was so exciting. I pointed excitedly towards the aircraft, and they smiled at me. “Why don’t we show you why it’s exciting?” He gestured towards it. I couldn’t believe it. I was the first child to fly an aircraft! The machine had cloth wings and some pipes to bend them with. When I got on the aircraft, I wanted to figure out how to pilot it. “Where’s the steering mechanism?” I asked. Orville pointed to a rather small lever on the front of the machine. I grabbed it and pulled it backward and it lifted off the ground for a second. I sat there, shocked. “We need forward momentum.” Wilbur pointed out. Orville and Wilbur got off and pushed the aircraft forward. It soon got to the point where they were running to keep up, and they leaped onto the aircraft.
Just as soon as they jumped onto the aircraft, we lifted off the ground. When we were at least 5 feet off the ground, I started panicking because it felt like I was going to fall, and falling isn’t very fun. Orville tried to calm me down by showing me how it works. As it turns out, I’m a pretty good pilot! I soared over my neighborhood and looked down on the world. It looked like the neighborhood roofs were the summits of anthills and the brick chimneys looked like red ants. I was extremely amazed at what I saw. An eagle flew past us and Orville saluted him. It was the most fun I ever had until I realized I didn’t know how to get back on the ground. I tried but I couldn’t bring myself to land in the field. It was too scary for me. It felt like there were bats eating the butterflies in my stomach. Wilbur told me to keep the aircraft level and try to go slow on the way down. I landed bumpily on the ground and it sounded like a train had wrecked in my ear and an earth quake went through my legs. None of us or the aircraft suffered any damage. Orville and Wilbur congratulated me after we got off the aircraft. I thanked them for the amazing ingenuity they have and started back to my home. I went inside and sat back down on my red velvet chair and began reading Oliver Twist again. That experience led me to become the Wright Brothers official test pilot.

"I'm not with them. Let me out of here and i'll give you a banana."

Breaking News!

Top Scientists Discover That New York City Was Built On The International Date Line! Cont. on pg.12

Students at the University of Harvard discovered that New York was built on the International Date Line."We never expected this, we just assumed we just had bad weather" Says Student Rebecca Schroedinger. The students made this amazing discovery by having a stakeout on the top of an apartment building. They waited throughout an entire day and found that on the left of the street it was day, but on the other, it was night. "It also seemed to affect people's behavior," Says ace reporter Mindy Smith. They proved this fact by taking a survey of 25 people on each street, and the people on the left were extremely grouchy, and the right was more so. Also everyone on the right was in a cab. That made it very hard to take the survey. The students also observed the cloud line. The left was cloud free, and the right was covered in clouds. When people walked from one side to another, they just froze for a second and then continued. The students presume the brain prevents movement to convert all energy to the brain because it's trying to rationalize the event. Most people have no recollection of the event. Once, a person closed his eyes while crossing, and when he was on the other side, his brain exploded.
The discovery about New York City will change how we do business forever.